Interesting territory to experiment within the laboratory of self; and, the stakes are fairly low in the asana practice. The worst that happens is we hurt our own feelings and dwell on stupid shit; best thing that happens is that we find ourselves and understand our own relation to the world and experience just a little better. But, are you waiting, or creating?
It’s tough work, there are no quick fixes, there are a lot of temptations to do the spiritual bypass and fall for the ‘I’ve forgiven them’ or ‘I’ve meditated on it and I’m good with it’; I suggest if you haven’t cried or been pissed off or depressed by it, then you haven’t dealt with it, you just stuffed it down under your invincible Brahmanic glowing light that you assume you should exhibit, because after all we’re yogis.
Well, yo, Yogis, we’re as messed up and frail and faulty as the rest of the folks just trying to make it every day. A lot of folks fall for the illusion or live in the delusion that ‘we’re better’ because we are engaged in yoga. We’ll, as I like to paraphrase from a great teacher of mine, “If you like how your life is going, then stay away from yoga”. If you think it’ll fix you, it won’t. It’ll show you all the you that you’ve been pretending you are not, that you are over, that you don’t want to see.
And, it gives you the tools to start working on it – it’s doesn’t make it better or you better; it helps you get better at knowing where you could do better. Slippery, I get it, but true. There is no quick fix, and for most of us who last past that second year, we understand that this is for the rest of our lives! That is a big responsibility; which is why we cannot beat ourselves up with our practice at this age since we’ll need the yoga so deeply in our end days.
So, I ask the question again – you’ve got ‘your teacher’, your cute clothes, your mat and your accessories and your perfectly arranged schedule…. and sure, you’re showing up. But when it gets tight, tense, in those poses where you are triggered, when you hate the flow, when the teacher doesn’t know what they are doing – is that when you just retreat and go away? What can you learn from that – again, in the low stakes laboratory of asana practice, can you take a look at who is makes those judgments, those choices, those bypasses.
Not that that’s bad, it’s what it is, not anything to dwell on – but to continue to just swallow it, or repack those bags, or accept those limitations is not going to make anything better. That’s the key – look at what you don’t like, be honest about it and own it and continue to process it. Don’t hide it under the light, don’t take the bypass and Namaste it out. Take the shadow, into the light – do the work, be kind to yourself and don’t ever expect to get better – make things around you better by being just a little bit better every day.
And, you’ve found the safe space and the skill set – so give thanks and praise!